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Posted by / 16-Jun-2018 10:50

That I suppose symbolises the two aspects of my addiction: the fear of true intimacy and fleeing that in favour of the thrill that had the magic of illicit sex.Although I wouldn't say that it was necessarily the bottom line – it's more just emblematic of the problems I was having but around that time that was the last time I paid for sex.I did find it very intoxicating, but I would have never considered myself to be an addict.

I had been paying for sex for roughly eight years, although it had only really become a regular thing two years or so before I sought help."At that time, the job I was doing involved travel, and paying for sex really became something I would do when I was abroad.

It can take you to some dark places including self-destructive or suicidal thoughts.

"There's a saying in recovery that a lot of addiction is a symptom of an underlying cause which is when you get irritable, distressed, restless and discontented.

I think I managed partly to almost delude myself into thinking that because I was abroad there was something – not romantic – but almost exotic about it and that I wouldn't do it at home.

Like you're in a different place and different rules apply. You're still paying somebody to do something to them they probably wouldn't otherwise do without the money.

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It's true of some people I've heard about but I've not had that many sexual partners to be honest – I would say no more than 30 to 40 in my life, nothing hugely abnormal."To be honest the stuff I was doing more compulsively around that time was looking at porn sites and calling sex lines, which became somewhat of a Friday night ritual.

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