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That I suppose symbolises the two aspects of my addiction: the fear of true intimacy and fleeing that in favour of the thrill that had the magic of illicit sex.Although I wouldn't say that it was necessarily the bottom line – it's more just emblematic of the problems I was having but around that time that was the last time I paid for sex.I did find it very intoxicating, but I would have never considered myself to be an addict.
I had been paying for sex for roughly eight years, although it had only really become a regular thing two years or so before I sought help."At that time, the job I was doing involved travel, and paying for sex really became something I would do when I was abroad.
It can take you to some dark places including self-destructive or suicidal thoughts.
"There's a saying in recovery that a lot of addiction is a symptom of an underlying cause which is when you get irritable, distressed, restless and discontented.
I think I managed partly to almost delude myself into thinking that because I was abroad there was something – not romantic – but almost exotic about it and that I wouldn't do it at home.
Like you're in a different place and different rules apply. You're still paying somebody to do something to them they probably wouldn't otherwise do without the money.
It's true of some people I've heard about but I've not had that many sexual partners to be honest – I would say no more than 30 to 40 in my life, nothing hugely abnormal."To be honest the stuff I was doing more compulsively around that time was looking at porn sites and calling sex lines, which became somewhat of a Friday night ritual.